How to Communicate in a Way that Builds Connection

We feel irked because we perceive that someone close to us withholding their feelings. Or we feel upset because we share our feelings with another they respond by invalidating them. Or a friend who we haven’t seen in years says, “My friends and I are all going out for dinner. Come meet us.” We go to the restaurant; sit down at the table; apologize for being late; try to make sense of the uneasy stares; then feel embarrassed when the person who’s seat we’ve stollen comes back from the bathroom and we realize we’ve sat down at the wrong table. 😂

Does it feel difficult to connect in these situations? Perhaps we want to avoid the emotional pain and just wall ourselves off?

And, yet, what do we lose? We close ourselves off from connection and opportunity. And, if emotional pain is a significant part of our relationships, those relationships may break down or be a continuing source of stress.

I understand not wanting to move toward a situation that feels stressful or painful. And I offer that there may be ways to transform that emotional stress into joy and connection.

Here’s a process that I’ve found improves connection. It’s understanding how we or others feel, receiving or offering empathy, figuring out what we or others need, based on those feelings, then making requests based on those needs.

I’ve experienced that being heard and seen for who I am, and what I feel, feels so connecting. I’ve seen people moved to tears when they are seen and heard, when they experience that their feelings are valued, when they’re asked what they need, because of how connected and cared for they feel.

This mutual connection appears to me to be the exact opposite of the blaming, judging, separation, and polarization that I sometimes perceive in the world. This connection is the result of a process called NVC (Nonviolent Communication). It’s also known as Compassionate Communication. Here’s how it works.

Ah—before I start, I think it’s critically important to note that this communication takes place within a container free from judgement and blame. Judgement and blame have a way of short circuiting the process by triggering us, and raising our defenses, which, I find, blocks connection rather than fostering it.

I notice that when I hear people speaking from their own experiences, observations, and feelings, it feels much more connecting.

OK—thanks for listening. With that out of the way, here we go...

Observation
We observe something that doesn’t contribute to our, or someone else’s, well being. This is something we observe in the environment or in our interactions with others. It can take the form of, “When I see, hear, remember, imagine...” These observations are just that, observable facts, free from evaluation, perceived meaning, story, or judgement.

Feelings
Here we express the body sensation or emotion that is associated with the observation. Or we ask someone else how they feel. If they don’t know, we might take a guess. For example, “I imagine that might feel surprising, or upsetting, or agonizing, or spellbinding,” or whatever feeling you imagine might be associated with the observation.

When we have a clearer picture of how the other person feels, or how we feel, we can offer or receive empathy. That might sound like, “Yeah, I totally get how you’d feel surprised, upset, agonized, spellbound,” or what ever the feeling is.

Other empathetic responses might be:
Acknowledging someone’s courage: “Thank you for sharing that with me. I imagine that took a lot of courage. Your trusting me with this means a lot to me.”

Clarifying: “So, from what I’m hearing, it sounds like you’re feeling X. Is that right?”

Acknowledging the difficulty: “That sounds like a challenging situation. I think you’re showing a lot of strength and openness in facing it.”

Conveying care: “I’m here for you. I really care about how you’re feeling.”

In expressing feelings, you may find it helpful to acknowledge that your feelings are your own, no one else’s. I find this conveys a sense of self responsibility. It protects from the idea of blame, from the idea that I feel this way and it’s your fault.

I think it’s also worth noting that the observable facts doesn’t cause us or make us feel a certain way, nor do the people involved. We choose to feel how we do based on our conscious beliefs and unconscious programming.  

And sometimes what we label “feelings” are actually perceptions. These mislabeled perceptions are sometimes called “faux feelings.” Examples of these include “feeling” abandoned, attacked, blamed, criticized, manipulated, pressured, or rejected. We say we “feel attacked” for example, but really we perceive ourselves as being attacked by another.

If you add the phrase “by you” to a perceived feeling, and the phrase makes sense, it’s a faux feeling. “I feel abandoned by you,” makes grammatical sense and reveals a faux feeling. “I feel sad by you,” doesn’t make sense grammatical sense. This indicates that sadness is an actual feeling. I’ve included a list of feelings as well as a faux feeling translator at the bottom of this page.

Needs
Feelings point us to what we need. A need can be defined as the requirement that is most important or valuable to us in that moment. If we know how others feel, we can help by asking them what they need. Needs are universal. Everyone has them. And everyone is responsible for getting their own needs met.

Needs may include: rest, comfort, safety, trust, recognition, adventure, feedback, growth, understanding, or any number of others.

Here we can offer empathy as well. For example, “I totally understand your need for safety in that situation.” Or “Yes, I get your need for need for adventure as part of your work.”

I’ve offered a list of needs at the end of this post as well. I’ve noticed that being able to see a list, to choose, almost as if from a menu, feels so helpful.  

Requests
Requests are attempts to meet the needs we’re aware of in ourselves or others through certain strategies.

I’ve heard NVC trainer Jenna Card say that a lot of conflict comes from us having differing strategies as to how we get our needs met. And that, if we share the need we’re trying to meet, along with the strategy, that people are more likely to agree to our strategy.

It also helps, if we’re requesting a certain action, that the request be clear, specific, doable, stated in the present tense, and positive (stating what you’d like, as opposed to what you wouldn’t like).

A request might take the form, “Would you be willing to X?” As in, “If find you’re running late, would you be willing to call me so that I can make other arrangements?”

Or we could suggest a strategy to someone, if we have a sense of what’s important to them. For example, “Would you like me to X?”

We might also make a request for connection, as in “Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?” or “How was that for you to hear?”

And, in making requests, I advise being open to hearing a “no.” If we’re not willing to hear a “no,” what we’re actually making is a demand. If you do get a “no,” the conversation doesn’t have to end there. In that case, you might offer curiosity. For example, “Could we make any changes to the request so that it might work for both of us?”

If we stay curious, open, and interested in solving the conflict for the highest good of all, I think we’ll all find ourselves with higher levels of joy, satisfaction, and connection.

Here’s an example of how this all might come together. Below are parts of a message exchange between one of my partners and me. R and M are my partners and L is R’s roommate. (These aren’t their real initials.)

This exchange came at the end of a busy few weeks for R. I perceived her as trying to enforce a boundary that seemed to conflict with a boundary I had. I felt triggered, expressed some faux feelings—can you spot them?—but on the whole I think we communicated honestly, with empathy and curiosity, and we spoke from our own feelings and experiences, largely without blame or judgement.

Toward the end of the exchange R offers empathy, reassurance, and makes a request for clarity and connection.

[7:15 PM, 7/5/2022, part of a voice message] R: Thanks, Sweetheart. M just sent me a super lovely note and I realized in hearing it, and replying to her, that I can’t, don’t want to, shouldn’t—I don’t know some of those words—rely on my intimate partner for all my support. I just shared a bit with her. You can get information from her about what’s going on with me if you want. Haha. But I shared a bit with her about my heart and things. I realize in doing that, that part of my work is to be connected with many people, not just my lovers. And, of course, I’m happy to share myself with you but not just you. I think it’s really important for my heart to have diversity of connection and support. So it’s nice to share a bit with M and I'll share more with L when I get home...

[8:36 AM, 7/6/2022] R: My heart is tender and I think I need to slow down my messaging with you for today and tomorrow, until our date.  My being needs to come back into equilibrium by being solo. Let me know what arises for you in hearing that.

[8:49 AM, 7/6/2022] Nik: I'd like to sit with that for a bit. And I feel for your tender heart. ❤️

[10:43 AM, 7/6/2022] Nik: Sadness at the loss of connection with you.

Hurt at feeling excluded yesterday from you fully sharing, and me not being given the opportunity to fully understand why you’re feeling tender. Not wanting to rely only on me for all of your support I understand. Being excluded from being shared with, from supporting you, and getting information about you second hand is something that feels different than that. That feels like something I’m not interested in in a partnership.

Frustration at the above.

Curiosity around better understanding the above.

Fear that if our connection reaches a certain depth, you’ll back out.

Fear that if I want you, want depth, want connection with you, you’ll run away.

Understanding/perception that you’ve done a lot this month, had a lot of deep, intense experiences and may need some solo time for integration and as a counterpoint to all of this connection.

Acceptance of you, as you are, always.

Desire for more discussion with you about this.

Empathy for your tender heart, for the intensity of experience, for the soft places in you that I imagine have been rubbed raw.

Love for you, for your beautiful being, your fire, your softness, your playfulness, for your willingness and want to engage with the world and me.

[10:51 AM, 7/6/2022] R: 💖💗🙏💖❤️‍🔥
So very grateful for the honesty of your sharing ❤️ 🙏 💕

I hear your hurt and frustration, your clarity about what you want in a primary partnership, as well as your curiosity.

I want you to know I am not backing away.  I love you so very much and, yep, it might scare me a little. 🤗🥰😍  And I'm not going anywhere.  I am here.  I love you.  ❤️

[10:53 AM, 7/6/2022] R: I’d like to speak with you and really hear you about a couple of the other points. Is there a good time today before 2p?

In the end we resolved the conflict and felt closer to each other than we did before.

I wish you well on your journey. If you have any questions, I welcome them in the comments below.

I offer my heartfelt thanks to NVC trainer Jenna Card for her feedback on this post.